A Deadly Game of Phone Tag
by Eques Pirate
Summary: Harry decides it's time to fight back against Voldemort with technology. Currently being revised.
1. Voldemort

I've been thinking about this for a while now, and so I've decided to go through all of my old stories again. Perhaps that will rekindle my love of writing these, and I'll be able to actually finish off a plot. Read and review, especially if you read the first version.

And so, without further ado, I present the reposted, edited, copy of _A Deadly Game of Phone Tag_.

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_**A Deadly Game of Phone Tag **_

**Chapter One: Voldemort**

Harry Potter sighed heavily as he twiddled a broken pencil between his thumb and fore finger. Now that the hype of returning to Number Four Privet Drive had died down, the Dursleys settling into a groove of ignoring their wizard relative, he had rediscovered the boredom of the quiet Muggle neighborhood. It seemed unfair that so soon after he watched his godfather fall through the veil in the Department of Mysteries he would be stuck inside again for the whole summer.

He watched little Mark Evans chase a big Labrador down the street enviously. What he wouldn't give to just go outside, to be so carefree! Even for the chance to just do _something_. Sirius wouldn't have sat idly by while a whole summer stretched out ahead of him. But here was Harry, slumped unceremoniously over his old broken desk, the pencil roving endlessly between his fingers.

_If only Ron knew how to use a telephone…_he thought. _Voldemort would never bother to tamper with those; too "Muggle" for him. _

It was as if a light suddenly burst to life in Harry's head. In that very moment, he knew what he wanted to do that summer.

* * *

The Dark Lord Voldemort lazily shot another curse at Peter Pettigrew and ignored the squat man's yelp as his nose twisted up like putty. He had had quite enough of plotting for the day, and was now simply enjoying Wormtail's company before Snape came to collect him as his new "assistant."

_Like he's fooling anyone_, thought Voldemort as Wormtail clawed at his face with twitchy fingers. _He just wants his own little dose of vengeance, but who am I to deny him? He has been so helpful to me, that slippery Potions Master._

He was just about to see what shapes he could make Wormtail's ears morph into when a large snowy owl swooped into the Manor's east window. He looked at the creature in confusion. Harry Potter had a snowy owl, did he not? And what self-respecting Death Eater would use anything but his favored Eagle owls to deliver him messages? Perhaps one with a death wish, but I digress.

The owl had a small box wrapped in brown paper clutched in its talons, and just before he could stun the thing (more out of boredom than anything else), it dropped the package directly on top of his head before soaring back out of the window. Enraged, he grabbed the parcel, and made to take aim at the beast, but was unfortunately diverted by Wormtail's sudden decision to climb to his feet and block the darkening sky from sight. Wormtail's nose took a turn for the worse while Voldemort quickly examined the package. There was no name.

He tore off the brown paper, revealing a small black box with no markings. Curious, he made to peel off the tape sealing it inelegantly shut when a noise suddenly erupted from inside. He would never admit how much it made him jump.

"BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY, ROCKIN' EVERYWHERE! BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY, ROCKIN' EVERYWHERE!"

It was horrid, despicable, and almost intangible as human words. He blasted open the box with his wand at arm's length, only to discover what he thought was a "cello-phone" inside, vibrating with the noises it was emitting. Taped on the back of the phone was note which read: "Push the GREEN button."

Anything to make the noise stop; he did so, gingerly picking up the device. He thought he heard breathing coming out of the receiver of the phone, so he carefully held it closer. "Hello?"

After a moment's hesitation, he heard a loud and obnoxious voice call out from the phone, "PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

There was a _click_, and the call ended.

Though Voldemort knew he was dealing with an unworthy Muggle device, he felt anger surge within him. _How dare they? I demand attention be paid to me!_

With the aim of launching a counter attack, Voldemort started exploring the phone. By randomly hitting buttons and reading the small screen, he eventually located the "Recent Calls" section. He assumed that the only number on the list would be his target. He hit the GREEN button once more, and in moments it was ringing.

"Hello?" asked a man's voice on the other end. "Vernon Dursley speaking."

"Yes," said the Dark Lord, placing the name with that of the brat's idiot Muggle guardians. "I would like to speak to Harry Potter." Of course it would be Potter.

"There is no Harry Potter here!" Vernon sputtered angrily, but Voldemort could tell he was lying.

"I know you are lying, Muggle," he said silkily, "and I…must have a serious talk with him about a phone call that I just received." Voldemort smirked at his own brilliance. Now he had him.

No doubt thinking that Potter was in serious trouble (for he knew that the Dursleys had no love for the boy), the man disregarded the fact that Voldemort was obviously a wizard, and he started yelling: "BOY! THERE'S SOMEONE ON THE PHONE ABOUT YOU! GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!"

"FINE, I'M COMING!"

There was a _thump_ on the other end of the line, and Harry Potter's voice spoke quietly, without a hint of fear, "Hello, Lord Moldy Shorts."

Voldemort was surprised, and then angered. "What? How _dare_ you call me that you insolent little—"

"Now, now, there's no need for name calling. What do you want? I was right in the middle of tormenting my whale of a cousin." He sounded annoyed, if anything.

"Why did you send me this cello-phone?" demanded Voldemort, not being one to beat around the bush.

There was a pause, lacking even of breath. And then, out of nowhere, a burst of laughter erupted from the other line. "CELLO-PHONE?" Harry shouted, laughing, gasping for breath.

"What are you laughing at? What's so funny?" asked Voldemort, his pride a tad hurt.

Potter did not answer, but continued laughing himself into hysterics until the Dark Lord heard a woman's voice on the other end. "What in God's name is so funny?" she shrieked.

Finally, Potter calmed down. "Oh, uh, The Dork Lord's on the other line. I sent him a cell phone yesterday and he thinks it's a…" there was another pause, and Voldemort braced himself yet again. "CELLO-PHONE!" And with that, Harry fell back into his fits of laughter.

"And what is so very funny about that?" Voldemort snarled. "And my name is not 'The Dork Lord.' I am The Dark Lord Voldemort! Master of the Earth! Ruler of all wizards! The—"

"Yeah, yeah, just get on with your complaint," said Harry, sobering instantly, as though he had grown bored with the conversation.

Cut off from his rants, Voldemort found himself to be at a loss for words. "Yes, well. Umm, what was that? I mean to say that…you were like—"

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

There was another click, and Potter had hung up once more.

Fuming, the self-proclaimed Master of the Earth called again. He could not escape, he would get him this time!

* * *

Harry had no idea if he had done what Dumbledore or even Hermione would call "the right thing," but it sure was fun. He was nearly overjoyed when the phone rang again. With electronics between him and Voldemort, he had no fear of the narcissistic snake. Plus, Voldemort would be receiving the bills at the old Riddle house (where he assumed the Death Eaters were still based). What could possibly go wrong?

He picked up the phone with a smile. "Pizza Hut, how may I help you?" said Harry in a business-like manner, holding back his snickers.

"Uh, yeah, I'd like a large pepperoni and olive—hey, wait! I want to talk to Harry Potter!" His composure was quickly deteriorating.

"I'm sorry; we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message after the beep."

"Wait a second! You just answered the damn phone! Why do I have to leave a message now?"

"BEEEEEP!"

"Oh, Merlin…call me back when you get the chance, Potter. I have some unfinished business with—"

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

"What? _NOOO!"_


	2. Malfoy

More Disclamers: Uhh, same for Harry Potter, then Shakira owns Hips Don't Lie, and what's his face still owns This New Booty!

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_**Deadly Game of Phone Tag Two**_

_**Malfoy**_

Harry Potter was, yet again, bored. Moldy Shorts had figured out how to block calls the day before, and now, there was no one to play phone tag with him. That was when marvolous idea number two came to him.

* * *

Draco Malfoy was just finishing slicking his hair back with layers upon layers of hair gel, when a large snowy owl swooped into his bathroom window. He imediantly recognized her as Harry Potter's, and was quite confused when she dropped a small package on top of his newly gelled hair. The owl took fight out of the window and Draco opened the package. Inside the wrappings was a small black box. As he pealed the tape off, there was a sudden burst of sound from the inside. 

"YOU KNOW MY HIPS DON'T LIE AND I'M STARTIN' TO FEEL YOU BOY!"

Draco promptly dropped the package to the floor, but the noise did not stop. It was hardly five minutes later that Lucius Malfoy flung the door open.

"What is that racket!" he demanded.

"I don't know!" Draco exclaimed. "It's coming from the box Potter just sent me!"

"Well open it so I can make it stop!"

Draco picked up the package and finished opening it. There was a note attached to a small silver box thing. The note read, "To shut Shakira up, press the GREEN button. If you want to call me back, directions to use the caller id are in the box. Potter."

Draco promptly hit the GREEN button. Then a voice on the other end said, "Malfoy? Are you there?"

"Uhhhh...yes?" said Draco, even more confused now, staring at his father.

"Okay, PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

There was a click and then a dial tone.

"What just happened?" asked Lucius.

"I'm not sure, but there are directions in here to find out how to get Potter back." Draco pressed a button on the phone and instead of the caller id, the address book came up. Darco scanned the list and read out loud to his father, "Potter, Lord Moldy Shorts, uhh, who's that?"

"I don't know," said Lucius. "Call him and see." (a/n: no I don't know how they suddenly know how to use a 'cello-phone'.)

Draco pushed the GREEN button again.

* * *

Lord Mol--Lord Voldemort heard the infernal noise again. 

"BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY, ROCKIN' EVERYWHERE!" He still had not figured out how to change it to "Lord Voldemort is the greatest! Bow before me!" Obviously, Moldy Shorts has some issues that if anyone would like to donate to the cause of getting him some therapy, please call 555-624-4256.

He pushed the GREEN button on his cello-phone, after checking the caller id. It read, "Ferret Boy."

"If this is Potter again, I will not wait until the end of the seventh book to kill you as agreed with The Creator!" he shouted into the cello-phone. (a/n: We all know who that is, but my friend, not saying who, coughMelissacough probably doesn't so, the all mighty Creator is JK Rowling.)

"Um, it's not Potter. He just sent me this thing. Is that you, Master?"

Completly ignoring the fact that there are other masters in the world besides himself (Steffie, JKR, uhh, the guy who writes the stuff for the movies, and me ((haha! All the characters are in my control! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! At least in this they are)), and the guy who invented cheese. That person is the master of everything...Moving on...)The Dor--Dark Lord answered, "Yes, of course. Who are you, Ferret boy?"

"FERRET BOY! " There is the sound of an explosion going off and Lucius yelling out, "Draco! I told you not to blow up the toilet again! Don't you ever listen at all!"

"Yes, that is what the caller id says. Why did you call me and interupt my date with Bella---I mean my date with torturing Wormtail? (a/n: Lame excuse Moldy, lame excuss...)

"I didn't know it was you, Master. The address book said that it was someone named Lord Moldy Shorts."

"WHAT! I'll get Potter for this I swear I'll kill him! Oh, hang on, there's another call. Hello?"

"We're calling about the marshmellows you ordered last Wednessday, sir."

"What marshmellows? I didn't order any-"

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

"Hey!" I guess old Moldy has been duped and Harry found a way around blocked calls.

The Dark Lord did not return to his call with Malfoy. He turned to the woman sitting across from him in the dimmly lit resturant. "Where were we, Bella?"

* * *

"I think he's gone," said Draco, pushing the red button. "I wonder who called." 

"I don't know, but let's get Potter back on the line so we can brag about how he's going to die to his face."

"I love you, Daddy!" (a/n: awww, a nice Father/Son moment that Harry will ruin with his next phone tag...)

* * *

Harry wasn't at all bored now. He was sitting by the Dursley's phone in the kitchen (pulling his wand on anyone who came near it) with Dudley's cello-phone (he laughed softly) in his hand. It had been easy to get away from him. All Harry had had to do was just give Dudley a cookie, and he gave Harry anything he wanted. _Moron_, thought Harry. 

The phone rang, and Harry checked the caller id. _Ferret Boy._ _This should be good._

"Time Warner Cable, how may I help you?" asked Harry.

"I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong number," said Malfoy stupidly.

"Did you dial 555-4269?" asked Harry, grinning.

"Uhh, I think so, why?"

"Then you have the right number, how may I help you?"

"I don't need you're help, I'm trying to call Harry Potter!"

"I'm sorry, you're call has been disconnected. Please try again later."

"What! This is the same person at Time Warner! How can you-"

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

Harry burst out laughing, Malfoy was so stupid!

* * *

"He hung up on me, Daddy!" Draco began to cry. 

"Oh, poor baby! We'll get him back later, I promise!" (a/n: Uh oh, Lucius is turning into the opposite mom of Narcissa!)

_**What will happen to Harry's next victim?**_

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Authurs note: Okay, I fail to see how I got 78 hits on the last chappy and only three people reviewed. I dont know if you didn't see it or didn't bother, but all I'm asking is that you just push the little purple button down there and type either: that sucked or lol in your own variations of course. PLEASE REVIEW! 5 reviews before the next chappy!

Also, thx for reviewing: wittier112; Redflower Fox; and obsidiansands!

TwilightsCalling


	3. Percy

Disclamer: Again, the Harry Potter issue, he's not mine...yet...MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And I don't own Everytime We Touch, or Hips Don't Lie, and I can't remember if This New Booty is in this one but I don't own that either.

Be prepared if this one isn't as funny, cause I've been told that it wasn't. Maybe the next one will make up for it...

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_Deadly Game of Phone Tag Three_

_**Percy**_

Harry Potter was no longer bored, but was running out of ideas to use on Malfoy and Moldy Shorts. He thought long and hard about his next victim and finally decided as marvelous idea number three hit him square in the face.

* * *

Percy Weasley was at the Ministry of Magic when the large snowy owl came down upon him with the wrapped up box that had plagued others lives unseen. The owl seemed to be on a procedure as it dropped the package on an un-expecting Percy's head, knocking his glasses off. As he scrambled around on the floor to find them, he head music coming out of the parcel. Snatching it up, he ripped off the paper around it, causing the small noise to blare. 

"EVERYTIME WE TOUCH, I GET THIS FEELING! AND EVERYTIME WE KISS, I SWEAR I CAN FLY!"

Percy found that he rather enjoyed the noise, and joyfully listened to it as he retrieved his glasses (they had been under the desk). Not wanting to ruin the song, he did not open the black box, and let it play on and on.

* * *

Harry was getting annoyed by this point. He had called Percy ten minutes ago! Why wasn't it picking up? Harry sighed. He really didn't want to do this. 

The ring tone for "Everytime We Touch" was still playing loudly when Harry apperated to the office. He had still not passed the test to actually have a license, but Moldy had already sworn to kill him as soon as it was his birthday, so what was the point, really?

Harry looked at Percy, expecting to see him fighting with the cello-phone (Harry giggled), but instead saw a horrific sight. Percy Weasley was dancing on top of his desk, lip syncing to the ringing cello-phone. (Harry giggled again.)

"Aren't you going to answer that?" Harry asked, thinking that he would be traumatized for life.

Percy looked up and spotted him for the first time. "What?"

"Pick up the phone," said Harry.

"What phone?"

"The phone that was in the little black box, are you going to answer it!"

"Oh! That's what it was! Yeah, sure, whatever you say."

"Thank you. Just press the GREEN button," and he disapperated back to the Dursley's.

When he arrived and stepped into the kitchen, Dudley was on the phone. Harry literally felt his eyes bulge. (a/n: that happened to meafew weeks agowhen I told Mr. Caldwel I had a thing I had to go to and couldn't go to class…scary!)

"Dudley! Get off the phone!"

"How come?"

"'Cause…I'll give you a cookie!"

"YAY!" Dudley promptly dropped the phone and snatched the cookiethat had sudenly appeared inHarry's hand. Harry hung up the phone, and redialed Percy's phone number.

* * *

The song had stopped and Percy was sad. So he had finally opened the black box, and Harry was indeed right. There was a phone in the box! 

"EVERYTIME WE TOUCH-"

Percy hit the GREEN button as Harry had said.

"Hello?" Percy was one of the few that actually remembered how to use a telephone when Harry had showed his father.

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!" click.

"Hello? Are you there?" Percy, being the dimwitted person that he is, thought that Harry must have hung up the phone by accident, and went to the address book to find his number.

The addresses programmed into the phone were mostly people that Percy didn't know including: "Ferret Boy" and "Lord Moldy Shorts." The other was Harry. He selected the number and hit the GREEN button.

* * *

Harry glanced at the caller id. Big Head Boy! Harry loved the name that Fred and George had given Percy…. 

"Build a Bear Workshop, helping you build friends, how may I help you?" said Harry.

"Oh! I've always wanted a friend of my very own! I want a pink pony with a tutu!" exclaimed Percy, unaware to the fact that he couldn't have gotten the wrong number.

"Uh, okay, I'll see what I can do…." Harry had been unprepared for this…he must tell Ron sometime….

"Oh thank you so much! I've been friendless my whole—"

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!" click.

"Does this mean I don't get my pony?"

* * *

Draco Malfoy was staring at his cello-phone in fear. He knew Potter would call again soon…but this time he would NOT pick up! No one could make him pick up! 

"YOU KNOW MY HIPS DON'T LIE AND I'M STARTIN' TO FEEL YOU BOY!"

No! He would not pick it up…but it was so annoying! "SHAKIRA! SHAKIRA!"

"Oh ------- this!" he shouted. (a/n: Apparently, Draco has foul lips as well as Moldy. Wait a second, I rated this T! I don't have to blank it out! Cool!)

"Hello?" he said, preparing for the worst.

"Yes, is this Ferret Boy?" asked an unrecognizable voice.

"NO! This is Draco Malfoy! Let me guess, Potter gave you one of these things too, uhhh," he checked the caller id, "Big Head Boy?"

"What? Did the twins tell you about that!"

"Uh, no, it's what the caller id says."

"Oh." There was silence.

"Hang on, Master is calling, hello?"

"Malfoy, have you heard from Potter at all in the last hour?"

"No, Master, I haven't. But I'm afraid he has given another cello-phone to someone."

"Very well, I shall—oh no!"

"What is it, Master?"

"Potter! He is calling!"

"Don't answer, Master! You'll never survive!"

"No! I will not be afraid of Potter!"

"_NOOOOOOOOOO!_"

* * *

"Yes, Potter?" said the Dork Lord. 

"Oh, Harry? This is his cousin, Dudley. He gave me a cookie to call y—"there was a _thump._

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!" shouted Mol—Voldemort.

"What! Oh, he's not going to get away with this!" Harry yelled.

"Can I have another cookie?"

**_Oh my God! Harry has been phone tagged! REVENGE!_**

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Authurs Notes: Okay, I've been told that this one isn't as good as the last too, but hopefully the forth one will make up for it. Okay, I had to repeat my self, but now onto the wonderful reviewers!

I was very pleased on this one! You people are awesome! I'll respond to all the anon. (don't know how to spell that) reveiwers here.

**n0b0dysang31: **Oops, I didn't mean to kill anyone! LoL! I'm calling Snape in the next chapter!

**chey: **I'm glad you liked it! Yep, Snape is next!

**reviewer: **Yes, I am calling Snape! He seems to be rather popular in this! LoL! Bella is a good idea, but I already have the story finished, so I don't know how I would put her in! I'm sorry! Maybe I could change the epilouge, and try to do a sequal to fit her in...hmmmm. That's something to think about!

**Redflower Fox**:And again, for the fifth time, I tell you all that SNAPE IS THE NEXT CHAPTER! LoL! Lot's of requests for him!OMG, I wish I would've thought of Umbridge before I finished! I'll try to add her into some kind of sequal that I just discussed with reviewer (above). It would be nice for five reviews from one person, but if that happened I probably wouldn't update! LoL, of couse, maybe I would...It's never happenedon any of the other sites where they rejected this chappy and the next one!

**Runaway Spirit: **Wait no longer! The chappys above this! LoL!

Okay, so I had some other reviews too that weren't anon. so I already responded to them, but it would just be mean to say that they didn't review at all!

Thanks **Silver Tears 11**, **Siobhan-Slytherin-Lady**!

TwilightsCalling


	4. Snape

Disclamer: I don't own Harry Potter still. Grrrrrr... I don't own the song, My Humps, Hips Don't Lie, Everytime We Touch, or This New Booty!

Aurthurs Note: This is the seconed to last chapter but it was really fun to write! **_

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**_Deadly Game of Phone Tag Four_**

_**Snape**_

Harry was angrier than he had ever been in his life. How dare Moldy Shorts tag him? How could he have figured out how to play when he had never heard of it before now? He was so dead. But that would have to wait….Marvelous idea number four was about to unfold.

* * *

Snape stared at the little black box that had almost gotten lost in his greasy hair when Potter's owl dropped it on his head. The Dark Lord and Draco had been talking together about something called a "cello-phone" and Potter. Even his Master had seemed afraid but he could not see why. 

"MY HUMPS! MY HUMPS, MY HUMPS, MY HUMPS! MY LOVEY LADY LUMPS! CHECK IT OUT!"

"WTF!" Snape shouted. (a/n: awww, Snape should not have such foul language! Must remember to up the rating because of that. Thanks a lot Snape…)

He blasted the box open with his wand and seized the device the sound was coming from. For a moment, he thought of destroying it then and there, but I say that he didn't because he no longer has a will of his own, so there!

There was a small note on the front, telling him to hit the GREEN button. He hit it, wanting anything to stop the madness of these so called "cocoa puffs" that had come on.

"Well it took you long enough to come back!" came Potter's voice from the other end.

"What? What are you talking about!" Snape was confused.

"Remember? You said you were going to go get some of the grease out of your hair."

"My hair isn't greasy! It's just—"

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!" click.

"What? What just happened? Potter? Potter! I'll kill you for this! I'll—" he stopped abruptly. "Oh, hello, Headmaster…um…I was just…uh…"

"Severus, may I ask why you are shouting at the top of your lungs about killing Harry Potter?" Dumbledore asked, looking both concerned and amused, but mostly concerned of course.

"Uh…well the thing is…uhhh…"

"And, what is that?" asked Dumbledore, pointing at the cell phone.

"I'm not sure. Potter just sent me it and it starting shouting or something about humps. I hit the GREEN button and his voice was in this thing! And then it said that my hair was greasy! And then he was all like, 'Phone tag, you're it!" Snape said in what was really one breath despite the punctuation.

"His voice was inside it? OH MY GOD! Harry must be stuck inside that thing!"

"What?"

"Yes! We must get him out!" Dumbledore pulled out his wand and hit the cell phone, while Snape simply looked frightened by the Headmaster's insanity. A blue light shot out of Dumbledore's wand and hit the phone, but it did nothing. Dumbledore tried other various ways of extracting Harry from the cell phone, but had no results until…he tried to blow it up.

A little flag popped out of the antenna thing, which read in flashing purple and GREEN letters: So you tried to blow up your new cell phone? Ha HA! There is no way to destroy this phone! You'll be stuck in this game forever! Now if you'll excuse me, I must wreak vengeance upon one Lord Moldy Shorts. He will NOT get away with phone tagging me!

**So it appears that Harry is not inside the cello-phone…I hope he doesn't kill Moldy Shorts…but then again, he might rather be dead after Harry's let loose on him…I'm scared….**

* * *

Harry was deep into his stage of plotting, hardly even touching the phone after his call to Snape. _Moldy shall pay,_ he thought bitterly. 

The phone only rang once, and Harry hardly even looked at the caller id as he picked up the phone. "Hello, you have reached the residence of Britney Spears. Please leave a message after the beep." He pushed the number seven as the beep.

"OH MY GOD! This is Britney's number! I finally found you, baby! Ronnie's coming home!" said Ron's over excited and yet fairly frightening voice from the other end. Harry stopped writing down: _shove head in toilet. _(a/n: If anyone is wondering, Ron has a past relation with Britney in this reality. My friend didn't quite get that...)

"Ron?" he said.

"Harry? Damn." Harry heard the noise of a closing door, something being dropped to the floor, and crumpling parchment on the other end. (a/n: Door was opened to leave to find Britney; hastily packed suitcase was dropped to the floor; crumpled up parchment of how Ron called who he thought was Britney. Sorry to explain; Melissa didn't get it.)

"What are you doing?" Harry asked, confused as to why Ron was calling, how he got his number, and how he knew how to use the phone at all.

"Oh, I stole some stuff out of Percy's apartment last night to her him back. I was going to curse it all with Fred and George, but we couldn't do anything to this thing. I kinda pushed some buttons on it, and next thing I knew, you're telling me that I finally found my bab— I mean Britney Spears."

"Yeah, sorry about that, I'm playing phone tag. I sent Percy the one that you have, Voldemort one, Malfoy one, and I sent Snape one this morning."

"Why the bloody hell did you do that?" Ron sounded as though he thought Harry mad.

"How do you think I'm playing phone tag if I didn't do that?"

"What is phone tag, anyway?"

"I'll show you, just a second," Harry turned on the three-way calling and punched in Snape's number. "Okay, keep quiet until I say so."

"Uh…okay?"

"If this is Draco again, no I will not hug you!" shouted Snape's angry voice over the phone.

Harry said, "Why do you keep calling me, you stalker? I told you it was over!" in mock anger.

"What! You called me, you—"

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!" He hit the GREEN button so it would seem like he hung up, and wondered vaguely why Malfoy wanted to hug Snape. There was an angry yell, and Snape hung up the phone.

"Okay, we're good," said Harry. "That's basically all I've been doing for the past week of so."

"Sounds awesome!" choked out Ron, who had burst out laughing the moment it was safe. "You want me to give Percy's back?"

"Sure, if you want to. I'll send you one so you can play too!"

"No that's okay, just owl me sometime soon. Everyone's been worried about you. No one's heard anything from you in a while. I don't think any of the guard has seen you at all either. You might want to go outside or something before someone comes bursting in with a rescue party!" (a/n: Okay, we're past the sappy part so no one can say that it was all non emotional with love and blah blah blah...)

"Okay, I will. Bye."

"See you," said Ron. Harry hung up, but after a second, Ron exclaimed, "How do you turn it off?"

**With Ron wasting all of Percy's minutes just trying to turn it off, and Harry plotting **Harry begins dancing around the kitchen with a stack of papers yelling, "It is completed!" **Um, done plotting revenge on Moldy, let's see what Snape's doing…**

* * *

Snape was now afraid of the youngest Malfoy. All he had done was gone through the address book to see who else had been dragged into this. Unfortunately, he had wondered who "Ferret Boy" was, who wondered who he was when he called! How rude is that! Malfoy had caller id! He should know! 

But this was all before Snape found out that Harry had named him Snivilly in remembrance of his godfather. That was when Snape really exploded. He reached for the cello-phone….

"Hello?" said Potter's voice on the other end.

"You listen to me, Potter! If you don't change my caller id name, I'll take so many points from Gryffindor next term it'll—"

"Seven days."

"What? Are you even listening to—"

"Have you checked on the children?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Have you checked…on…the…children?"

"You're crazy, Potter. You really have—"

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!" click.

"He is so dead."

_**There seems to be some tension between our players. Next time, Harry's plan revealed and a special surprise for the victim's fans.**_

* * *

Authurs Notes: My God, I had all those requests for Snape and now that the chappy's up, I'm worried that it doesn't live up to what people want it to be! Okay, thanks for reviewing, guys! I wish I had been home yesterday to post this one, but I wasn't...obviously... 

I would love to list everyone that reviewed and stuff, but since I'm typing this, I'm delaying your chappy! Next time, I'll just have to put a huge list of everyone in the next chappy (last one unless I change it a bit to leave room for a sequal)! Okay, posting chappy in about 30 seconds...YAY!

TwilightsCalling


	5. The Final Beep

Disclaimer: Still don't own Harry Potter, This New Booty, Google, the ability to trace calls, the llama song, the Harry Potter movie music, or The Simpsons! Grrrrr…

If I forgot anything, I don't own it!

_**

* * *

**_

A Deadly Game of Phone Tag Five

_**The Final Beep**_

Harry was laughing manically; the plan of his vengeance upon Moldy Shorts was about to become a reality. It is called "Marvelous Idea Number Five"…

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

"So, are we agreed? To stop Potter, we must join forces?"

There was a chorus of "yes" from Percy, Snape, and Malfoy.

Mold—Voldemort clapped his hands together. "Splendid," he said. "Now all we have to do is wait for the call."

"Yes, the call," said Malfoy.

The four of them stared at the three cello-phones in the middle of the circular table.

"Wait, where is your cello-phone, Weasley?" Snape asked.

"Why wont this stupid thing turn off!" screamed Ron, whacking the phone against the wall.

"Oh," said Snape. "That would explain it."

"BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY, ROCKIN' EVERYWHERE!"

"Hmmm, that's not Potter's caller id," said Voldy. "Yes?" he said as he pushed the GREEN button.

"Yes, ma'am. We're calling about the plumbing problems you've had. It turns out we're gonna have to replace the whole system."

"I think you have the wrong number," he said in a voice that evidently was meant to be kindly, but in reality, it was menacing, and rather scary.

"Nope. You're the lady that called about the overflowing toilet!"

"I am not a female person!"

"You're right! You're more like a chicken!"

"What! I am not, Potter! And yes, I know this is you! And now I shall go into a long and boring speech on how I—"

"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

"Fiddlesticks, he hung up," said Voldy in disappointment.

"What do we do now?" asked Malfoy.

"We wait for the next call, of course!" said Percy in a bossy voice that made Voldy glare at him.

"And what will we do when he calls?"

"Uhhh…"

* * *

"Thanks for letting me use your phone," said Harry to his next door neighbor, who he had been forced to use Chinese Water Torture on before she even let him in.

"Um, no problem," she said.

"Even though my aunt thinks you're uncivilized."

The woman's eyes began to grow and bulge as Harry took his leave.

* * *

"What is this 'Google' of which you speak, Weasley?" asked Voldemort.

"It tells you answers to everything! We can use it to find Potter!" exclaimed Percy.

"Well, what do you think, Snape?" asked Voldemort.

Snape simply looked at him with a blank stare on his face.

"What?" asked Voldemort. "Is there something in my teeth?"

"You were talking and I'm like, what the crap?"

"Um, why?"

"You said 'fiddlesticks'."

Voldemort looked angry at this. "Malfoy! Give him a hug!"

"What!" shouted Snape, snapping out of his trance.

Malfoy threw out his arms, and began running toward Snape as the FUN Song began to play. (a/n: F is for friends who do stuff together! U is for you and me! N is for anywhere at anything at all, right here with my best buddy!) He began to move in slow motion, and Snape slowly dove to the floor to avoid him.

"Slow mo is scary!" he shouted, and he crawled under the desk into a fetal position.

"So where do we find this 'Google'?" asked Voldy as Malfoy attempted to remove himself from slow motion.

"We'll need a computer, and then—what the crap!"

"What!" shouted Voldemort.

"OWLS!" yelled Percy, ducking under the table with Snape.

Malfoy ran, still in slow mo, to the table, but before he could reach it, an owl swooped down onto his head, knocking him out.

Voldemort wasn't having better luck. All of the owls began diving at him, dropping…the things they drop onto his head and face. The attack lasted for almost five minutes, but it was the worst five minutes of Voldemort's sad, pathetic life…I wish I had a camera.

Harry sniggered. He _had_ had a camera. A web cam, in fact, hooked up so he could watch (and record) the whole thing. He checked off that item on his list and prepared for the next one.

_**

* * *

**_

1 hour later…

"So all we have to do next time he calls is, uh," he checked the stolen computer screen, "trace the call?"

"Yes, if that is the answer the Google gave us, we must," said Voldemort.

"How long do you think it will take?" asked Snape, who was still under the table.

"Only time will tell," said Voldy, quoting something that I'm sure came from some movie but I can't remember.

Just then, Ron apperated to the corner of the room. "Hey, Big Head!" he yelled. "I finally turned off your phone! And then Harry called…and he wants to talk to you."

Ron threw the phone at him, and Percy miraculously caught it; Ron disapperated.

"Hello?" said Percy into the phone.

"Hey Percy, guess what."

"Oh! I love guessing games! What?"

"_Imperio_," whispered Harry, and Percy suddenly lost all will of his own. "Now hang up the phone."

Percy hung up. He knew what he had to do…

"Did you trace the call?" asked Snape.

"No, he hung up too soon," said Voldemort. (a/n: I have no idea how he learned to do that so just go with it!)

"Where is—what are you doing, Weasley?"

Percy grabbed Voldemort's head and shoved it down into the toilet he had just conjured. He began flushing and flushing…and flushing.

"What the crap, Weasley!" shouted Snape, finally coming out from under the table.

"I must flush his head for Harry!" screamed Percy.

"Oh my GOD!" yelled Malfoy, suddenly becoming conscious. "Potter must have cursed him over the cello-phone!"

"Uh, how did you know Potter called him?" asked Snape.

Malfoy thought for a moment. "I don't know!" he exclaimed.

"Must flush for Harry!" shouted Percy, shoving Voldy's head further into the toilet. But before anyone could do anything, Percy suddenly stopped and straitened up. "What's going on?" he asked.

No one answered as Voldemort pulled his head out and blew up the toilet with his wand, his head dripping. He glared at Percy, a murderous gleam in his eyes.

"If you ever do that again, I'll kill you Weasley!" he shouted, spit flying from his mouth.

"Do what?" asked Percy.

Voldemort's eyes bulged, and he was clearly on the verge of shouting very inappropriate things at Percy when I changed the point of view to avoid changing the rating on this fanfiction.

* * *

Harry was laughing his head off. He wondered if Moldy even knew why this was happening to him! _I should call and find out!_ He thought.

Harry picked up the cell phone and punched in Moldy's number. It rang only once before it was picked up.

"_What do you want with me_!" screamed Moldy.

"What do I want, Baldy? I want revenge! Nobody phone tags me! NOBODY!"

"Well apparently I did. And I am not bald! My head is just lacking hair!"

"This means you're bald, smart one. Now, I was just wondering what you thought of the inside of that toilet."

"I hate you with great intensity…"

"I know…PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

* * *

"We have to hurry," said Voldemort. "Tomorrow is the only chance we'll get to stop this madness."

"Why?" asked Malfoy.

"Because after tomorrow, he will be at a wizard's house and someone will force him to stop!"

"Then why don't we just wait it out?"

"Because I'm too stupid to let things work themselves out! I want to stop him myself!" (a/n: No, in Baldy's sheer anger, he did not realize that he called himself stupid.)

"Um, okay?"

"SNAPE, did you trace the call?"

"Yes, master. He's in Surry."

"Excellent…" (a/n: SIMPSONS+MR.BURNS) he hissed. "We shall go tonight, and by morning, Potter shall be finished!" (a/n: And there is the murdering scum we have all come to know and expect lots of bad things from!)

* * *

"So we're all clear? You too open the door when Baldy comes, and I hide you from the insane asylum when they track you down?" asked Harry to the two strangers that have mysteriously appeared out of no where.

"Yep."

"Can I kill him?"

"Uh, no, I have to do that…but you can poke him!"

"Whoot!" (a/n: So enters the league of weirdos…)

* * *

It was 11:59 PM, and the Dork Lord was waiting outside Number four. Harry could see him waiting, and Moldy him.

If anyone is wondering where the Dursley's have gone since the last chapter, let's just say that they are a lot more afraid of Harry and a lot more accustomed to the basement.

Okay, that wasted a whole minute. :)) AM…..oops. Note to self, don't hit the shift key unless necessary. 12:00 AM. YAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY!

Voldemort swept up to the door, and knocked loudly. It swung open almost instantly.

And there stood, not Harry, not the Dursleys, but two of the League of Weirdos that have escaped _the man_ at the happy hotel.

"Hey, look! It's Tom Riddle Jr.!" yelled one of them to the other.

"POKE HIM!" she replied.

They both thrust jabbing pokes at him for about ten minutes until one of them looked up, and saw…

"OH MY GOD! SNAPE!"

"KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!"

"Hey! What did I do!" Snape shouted, seeing as he had no idea why they were attacking him. (a/n: Who ever said that the characters that I randomly inserted into the story that are mine couldn't know about the sixth book!)

As the poking people killed Snape, Harry hit himself in the face. _Issues_, he thought. _Oh well, time for Plan B_.

Moldy was getting up as Harry called another member of the League of Weirdos. She popped up out oh the ground, and Harry beckoned her over.

"I need you to scare the crap out of that guy over there, can you do it?"

"That depends, can I have chocolate?" she asked with a manic gleam in her eyes.

"As much as you want!" said Harry.

"That is freakin' awesome."

(a/n: Okay, all the places in this next part don't have any punctuation, because this girl is actually Melissa and she really talks really fast like this and doesn't breath for a while, so just live with it. A lot of this, she actually said, and has hardly been changed in any way, shape, or form. Enjoy.)

The girl walked over to Voldemort; took a deep breath, and said, "Do you like chocolate I like chocolate chocolate is good you know what else is good whipped cram is good once I licked whipped cream of the fridge and—" she stopped. The girl fell to the ground and began twitching and laughing her head off.

Moldy Shorts backed away from the crazy person, and pulled out his wand but before he could do anything, the girl jumped up and snatched it away from him.

"Poke! Poke! Poke!" she yelled, poking him with it. "You know I saw this Harry Potter thing on the internet once and it was really really really really really really really really really funny and it like killed this dude and it was all like Avada Kadavera and like—hey dude you okay I hope you are cause I wasn't supposed to kill you or anything and oh you just fell okay—" she breathed and continued to rant about pointless things as Moldy screamed.

As all this was happening, Harry strode over to the two that were killing Snape, and attempted to reason with them that even though we all wanted to kill Snape, we could not. Dumbledore would not be pleased.

"Dumbledore?" whispered one of them, freezing in the act of punching Snape's teeth out.

"What!"

"But he killed—" she was cut off by a giant hand reaching down and snatching the two up.

"No, Jo, NO! He needs to know what happens!"

"NOOOO!"

They both continued shouting, and Harry caught things like: "Killed," and "Dumbledore," but made no sense of it.

"Oh my gosh it's a cat I like cats especially the fuzzy ones my favorite kind of cat is the orange stripy ones they're more loveable I like the black cats but they're always like running away and then I have go chase them and stuff but the orange stripy ones are kind of annoying when you wake up with their tail in your mouth then you've got a hair ball and their hair never gets out of your mouth and then one time—" she went running after Mrs. Figg's cat. Poor Mr. Tibbles…

"Um, okay," said Harry. "That was weird. Uh, are you okay?" he asked Moldy Shorts.

"So many kitties…so orange and stripy…" Moldy continued to twitch on the ground, saying non sense.

Harry felt pity of Moldy, but only for a second. He conjured a head set and stuck it on the Dork Lord's head (with a permanent sticking charm on it); Baldy didn't seem to notice.

He hooked Dudley's CD player into the headset, and made it so that it could never come out and was self-repairing. (a/n: Uh, he lost me there…) Harry put a CD in with the word LLAMA written on it.

"Tell me, Moldy, have you ever heard the Llama Song?"

Moldy looked up at him; he stopped twitching. "Um, no…"

Harry grinned and turned up the volume on the player while hitting the play button.

"_Here's a llama,_

_There's a llama,_

_And another little llama,_

_Fuzzy llama,_

_Funny llama,_

_Llama,_

_Llama,_

_Duck._

_Llama, llama, _

_Cheesecake_

_Llama,_

_Tablet,_

_Brick,_

_Potato,_

_Llama,_

_Llama, llama,_

_Mushroom,_

_Llama,_

_Llama, llama,_

_Duck._

_I was once a tree house,_

_I lived in a cake,_

_But I never saw the way the orange slayed the rake,_

_I was only three years dead,_

_But it told a tale,_

_And now listen little child,_

_To the safety rail._

_Did you ever see a llama?_

_Kiss a llama on the llama?_

_Llamas, llamas,_

_Tastes of llamas,_

_Llama, llama,_

_Duck._

_Half a llama,_

_Twice a llama,_

_Not a llama,_

_Farmer,_

_Llama,_

_Llama in a car,_

_Alarma,_

_Llama, llama,_

_Duck._

_Is this how it's told now?_

_Is it all so old?_

_Is it made of lemon juice?_

_Doorknob,_

_Ankle,_

_Cold._

_Now my song is getting thin,_

_I've run out of luck,_

_Time for me to retire now,_

_And become a duck!"_

Moldy screamed as the CD looped and began again, and again, and again, and again…

Now where are Percy and Malfoy and the semi-conscious Snape during all this? Well Percy and Malfoy ran away when the big hand descended, and Snape is on the ground.

"Excuse me."

Harry looked around at the boy who had walked up behind him. "Can I help you?"

"Yes, have you seen three girls run through here. Two tall, brown hair, the other one kinda short, blond…" (a/n: DON'T KILL ME BECAUSE YOU ARE KINDA SHORT, LOL)

"Uh, they went that way," said Harry, pointing to the sky.

"Um, thanks," the boy said. "I'll check there…" The person ran.

* * *

It was two in the morning when Moldy began to bang his head against the side of the house. Harry watched joyfully, not noticing Snape get himself off the ground and clumsily disapperated.

Unfortunately, he forgot that Dumbledore was supposed to pick him up (for some odd reason) around that time. There was a loud crack from the end of the street; Harry looked around and spotted a tall figure with billowing robes striding towards them.

_Oh, crap,_ thought Harry.

"What's going on here?" asked Dumbledore, his eyes sweeping over Harry with a video camera and Voldemort banging his head against the wall.

"Well Voldemort showed up with _Professor _Snape, Draco Malfoy, and Percy Weasley a while ago and it eventually resulted in him listening to the llama song for almost and hour and a half now," said Harry.

"But why didn't he just turn it off?"

"I never thought he would think of that!" exclaimed Harry.

"Apparently, you were right," said Dumbledore.

Moldy Shorts was still banging his head, unaware of Dumbledore's arrival.

"Don't you think you should let him go? We still must destroy the horcruxes, you surely remember?"

"Uh, yeah," said Harry. "But, uh, what about the llama song thing?"

"I said to let him go, however I did not say anything against the song of llamas," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling.

(a/n: I weep!) Dumbledore raised his wand, and suddenly, all of Harry's stuff appeared next to him.

"Check if you have everything, just in case!"

Harry opened the trunk and shifted around in it; the cell phone was not there; Harry had an odd suspicion that Dumbledore know this, so he said nothing.

"Sir, where are we going?" he asked, trying to speak over Moldy, who was running around, trying to find someone to hurt.

"We are going to the Burrow," he said, trying to find off Moldy as he attempted to make the llamas stop.

Dumbledore raised his wand, and the trunk vanished. He said, "Grab my arm. I know you can apperate, but there is the issue of not having a license so, yes, here we go."

* * *

Later in the day, Mrs. Weasley threw Harry a birthday party. As he opened his presents, he thought longingly for the cell phone.

"Oh, Harry, open that one!" said Ron, pointing to a small, black box in front of him.

Harry reached toward it and looked at the card taped to it.

(a/n: OMG, last page to type!)

_Have fun, Harry._

_Happy birthday!_

Harry was about to open the box, quite confused, when a noise cane from it. It sounded like an orchestra to Harry. It was playing a song that sounded almost magical. (a/n: Harry Potter movie music!)

Harry opened the box…and grinned evilly.

_**Epilogue**_

Unfortunately, the ending of the sixth book did happen. cries

Hermione finally found out about the cell phones and beat Harry up for abusing the power of them. (Apparently, that was the WRONG thing to do.)

And the phone call made to Harry with the anonymous not? coughcreatorcough

"Hello?"

"Yes, is this Mr. Potter?"

"Um, yeah. Who is this?"

"This would be the phone company you made your purchases from. The bill is overdue."

"Uh…PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!" _beep_.

* * *

Authors Note: Sequel coming soon, and you reviewers are awesome! Can't wait too write more!

These are the people who reviewed at least once during the posting of this story:

bwitched

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Silver Tears 11

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reviewer

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And my first reviewer for the whole thing:

wittier112

You people are awesome! Posting in a couple seconds once I upload it…even though you already read it! LoL!

TwilightsCalling


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